Monday, January 29, 2007

"Sluggerud" a Coon Slug Story

Hello my name is Sluggerud I am the Buffalo Sabres new mascot and logo. I am a coon slug (racoonius slugi) a furry yet slimily creature that used to live in Coon Slug Forest, that is till I moved to Buffalo, NY. I miss Coon Slug Forest, so many memories there and a very large family and friends that I had to leave behind. I miss Momma Wakaluk and Daddy Creighton, Grandma Trefilov and Grandpa Franceschetti, Brother Galley, Sister Hannan and her husband Presley, my four newborn nieces and nephews Tanti, Pittis, Ndur and Hamel and my two best friends Boulton and Bartovic. Here is a picture of my family and friends hanging out in the moss of Coon Slug Forest (I’m the one on the tree stump).

So here’s my story because as I mentioned I had to leave Coon Slug Forest for the streets of Buffalo, NY. One day, not to long ago, my family, friends and I were enjoying a nice lazy day in Coon Slug Forest when a stranger dressed in business attire waltzed into our dwelling. He introduced himself as Mr. Quinn and told us that we could call him Larry. He said he had the deal of a lifetime for us that we could not refuse. Larry’s deal was for that one of us Coon Slugs to travel to Buffalo, NY where the fans of the Buffalo Sabres hockey team are in need of new logo and a mascot. In return Mr. Quinn said he would not burn down Coon Slug Forest and told us “see I told you it was something you could not refuse”. All of us Coon Slugs were not amused. He then said that one of us must make it to Buffalo by the start of preseason in the fall or he would burn down the forest anyways. He then left in his private jet.

All of the Coon Slugs in Coon Slug Forest were very scared of Mr. Quinn’s demands. The youngest Coon Slugs were especially scared screaming “please don’t let that man burn down our home”. After a game of Coon Slug Survivor and very much debate on who the Coon Slug clan should choose to go to Buffalo they all chose me. So Momma Wakaluk, Daddy Creighton, Brother Galley and Sister Hannan saw me off at the outskirts of the forest. Daddy Creighton said “do us proud son” Momma Wakaluk said “I love you”, Sister Hannan said “beware of the wild it is full of predators” and Brother Galley said “Hey bro don’t get stepped on or we are all screwed”.

So I hit the path as their send off’s “Good Luck Sluggerud!!” got quieter and quieter. It was no longer than 2 hours later that I found my self lost in the wilderness. I saw many dangerous animals in the wilderness but they left me be. I think it was because they never saw a Coon Slug before and they were the scared ones. I could not find any signs directing me to Buffalo, so I figured I would just use a Coon Slug’s natural instinct for sense of direction. I trudged on and on through the thicket for many days only stopping to eat from time to time.

The more I trudged the colder it became and soon enough I was trudging and slugging through snow. I met up with some penguins and I asked them if they knew the way to Buffalo. They told me I was to far north and that I had to go southeast over the old Smythe Bridge, past d- broken fence and the old Maple tree. They were very helpful for being penguins and all. So I slugged on and made it to drier, warmer ground before my slimly underbelly froze.

Soon enough I slugged upon the Old Smythe Bridge that the penguins had told me about. The humans were out in full force riding bicycles over the bridge so I decided to slug my way up on the bridges ledge to avoid getting run over. Looking down into the water I saw some sharks, a whale and a flaming dragon. The sharks could not speak because they were to busy biting on hockey sticks and the flaming dragon was very elusive, he kept hiding every time I looked at him. The whale did speak to me saying “Hello there strange creature, I am a Canuck my friends call me Willy”. I said “Hello” but before I could tell him anything about me and my mission he swam away screaming “I’m Free, I’m Free”.

So once I made it over the Old Smythe Bridge, I slugged and slugged till I made my way to d- broken fence. When I got there it was raining like a son of a bitch all over the broken fence and the rain had rusted over some oil wells that were nearby. I thought about taking shelter but I kept slugging on because I figured the by chance showers would fizzle out soon and I didn’t want Coon Slug Forest to be burnt to the ground. So I went into hyper Coon Slug mode.

When I made it to the Maple Tree I was exhausted and hungry from slugging so fast. So I decided to rest under the tree and eat some of the blue leafs that fell to the ground. When I tasted them they tasted very bitter and I thought to myself “gee these Maple Leafs Suck” but I feasted on them anyway for stamina. While I was eating the maple leafs I started hallucinating and I thought I saw the mythological legend the Jersey Devil but my little Coon Slug eyes must have deceived me because I saw it only for a second. Then the wind started to blow all the maple leafs around and I thought to myself “them Maple Leafs sure blow”. Off in the distance I saw a sign that read Buffalo city limits so I started slugging because I knew I was close.

When I got to Buffalo I was happy I finally made it but to my surprise the streets were full of protesters chanting “Hell no! The Slug Must Go, Give Us Legs On Our Buffalo!!”. This frightened me and made me fear for my life so I snuck past the angry mob of protesters out of sight, luckily no one saw me. I swear that I saw Mr. Quinn in the crowd but I think maybe them bad Maple Leafs I ate were still playing tricks with my head.

So sad and dejected I slugged my way to this place called the Erie Basin Marina. The people of Buffalo hate me and I did nothing to them but be my own Coon Slug self. I had decided to end it all so I jumped in to the lake to drown. The last thing I can recall before I blacked out was being bit by many gobies. When I came to I was cold, wet and coughing water. Standing in the water beside me was an elderly fellow holding a great big hockey stick. He introduced himself as the Gordon’s fisherman and told me he had saved my life. He asked me what I was and what I was doing in the water. When I told him my story he laughed and said “I know how you feel, I was supposed to be a logo and a mascot for the New York Islanders hockey team but the people on Long Island hated me, so they sent me out to sea”. He then told me to keep my chin up and stick it out for a season or two and if they really don’t like me, I could return to Coon Slug Forest to be with my family again.

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